Letter to Myself

Well Heather, you’re twenties were hard. And most of the time awkward. But man, we learned a lot.

When I think about turning thirty, I momentarily freak out but then I realize how excited I am to wave goodbye to my twenties. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for what I learned and where I am today, but it was tough. And reflecting on those ten years, it’s crazy to see how far I’ve come. Let’s recount…

20 to 22. Blissful years. Had a rebellious stage where I drank underage for a good two weeks, but then got sick and was like, “this is dumb”. I was running full time for Dick, working part time for my father and was coaching cross country in the fall. This was the time I took the brave step to not finish school. It was a moment of total fear of disappointing everyone who supported me, but the underlying support from those I loved shocked the crap out of me. I just knew I wasn’t following my dream in that moment and because of that I wasn’t putting my heart into it. Here is where the story started of learning to let go of peoples box they immediately put me inside because I never finished school. I’m still learning that lesson. It was in these years that I also had the opportunity to join Sierra Service Project for a couple of summers - a program that was built on the foundation of service through faith on native american reservations. I lived one summer in California and one in Arizona. It humbled me, broke me down and molded me in a way I’ll never be able to verbally explain. It changed my heart and who I am. 

23. The hardest year of my life thus far. This is when the world I knew was turned upside down. I was caught in the firestorm of one man’s wrong decision, my coach was diagnosed with cancer, I let a wonderful relationship slip out of my hands,  and I broke my hip. Nothing seemed to go right this year, it was all left and in a continuous circle of grief and pain – emotional and physical. But turns out it was also the year I learned the most about myself – how strong and resilient I am. I learned how important the people who are closest to me matter. I also was taught a valuable lesson that although God has a GLORIOUS plan for us, it’s best to just trust in that plan rather than desperately seek it out.

24-27, the years of change, independence and big decisions. After the diagnosis of my coach’s cancer and the upheaval that happened in cross country, I learned a lot about hiding emotions and the false sense of “strength”. I thought I was being strong by keeping my emotions in check, but I was just ignoring life as it was passing me by. I couldn’t live in the moment, because the moment was too painful. So I found this little rabbit hole just outside of feelings and burrowed in. When I look back, I’m sad I didn’t feel more – but I’m also so proud of myself for taking everything head on, even if it was devoid of a lot emotion. These were also the years I moved out on my own - to an apartment and then a guest house on a farm. I was no longer coaching so I learned how to fill my time outside of that – which turned out to be still pouring myself into the kids I used to coach. I really love supporting people in what they love, like a lot. It also opened up the opportunity to really focus on my own running and give it all I’ve got. I traveled to Canada and raced some of my best and most fun races - I was introduced as “and running for the United States, Heather Spinney”.

27 - 30, the Boston chapter. I celebrated my 27th birthday on the road to moving to Massachusetts, so from there on out until 30, it was spent exploring a new state and a new me. The whole 27th year, so my first year in MA was spent reflecting on who I was and what I wanted to do. This wasn’t an intentional voyage I was seeking out, it just happened because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have friends - so, when I would get done with work or get to the weekend it was spent learning what I wanted to do. Before this it was so natural to just do what my friends were doing and not think about what I wanted.  It was such a blessing. I started doing yoga, I dated, I read books, studied the bible more and went to church at church I had to seek out. I grew a lot that year. And now here we are, three years into the greatest adventure. There have been heartbreaks along the way, relationships lost, people taken away too soon, more feet of snow than I ever imagined and spurts of uncontrollable sadness - but those things have just helped me to gain perspective and to be a better me. But there have also been SO MANY songs of praise: being baptized, meeting and running part of the Boston Marathon with Chris, my friends, a little peanut named Eloise, the summers, my favorite people getting married, solo backpacking, going to all the Red Sox games I want, the fall, getting tattoos, traveling and like I said before, doing the things I’ve learned that I love to do all time.

It’s been a whirlwind 20’s. We’ve been all over the place, emotionally and physically. I’m excited to see where the next ten years take you. But just always remember what the last ten years have taught you: how to be free and independent, how to fiercely love unconditionally and be full of grace, how to stop when you want to stop and go when you want to go and how to be strong and pick yourself up when it’s the last thing you think you can do.